Bloggers' Union..............IN MY DREAMS

BLOGGERS UNION……………………IN MY DREAMS!

So one fine afternoon in my awesome life, I had an awesome ‘fake’ dream that constituted of a few awesome bloggers. Honestly, I could not stop smiling sheepishly as these images formed themselves vividly in my awesome mind.

Firstly a bloggers’ union without @Wamathai would be legally termed as an epic fail, I tell you. At first, I could not even bring myself to speak to him bana, MAD RESPECT! #stalkertendencies  J But when shy ol’ me finally found my voice, I started a Q&A with him and it was a Monday, so go figure. I asked all those random questions he likes to throw on guys and he actually answered all of them. He was as nice as I had always imagined. Again, #stalkertendencies

http://www.wamathai.com/

Lo! And behold, even @Writel was there. The mad, but talented poetess actually came through. Imagine she took time off twirra and her awesome blog to feature in my awesome dream; legendary!! *sniff sniff* She was as crazy as I had always envisioned. Her blog is a must-read by the way, just so you know.

http://www.lila5.blogspot.com/

Kidogo tu, @boyfulani checks in. *dances* At first, I think I’m the only one who noticed him (I had leakage :) coz he likes to do this thing where he plays incognito hapo manzo; but a cigarette or two later and the craziness was unleashed. It was freaking unbelievable! I doubt I have laughed that hard….EVER!!

http://www.boyfulani.com/

And then it happened. I must admit it was the moment I had reeeeeeally been waiting for. There he was. @Crazynairobian in the flesh. #Excitos  Yes, Crazy Nairobian mwenyewe, and he had his face on, not that ka T-sho he used to spot, ama that ka sunny animationJ OR that cartoon boy as his avatar on twirra, heh heh A handsome fella, if the dream is anything to go byJ and he dutifully cracked us up with those funny stories he cooks up when he is (or is not) smoking something illegal.J

J  http://www.crazynairobian.com/

The drinks were flowing (I had really invested :), jokes being thrown in here and there and I was having the time of my life!!!! Then suddenly *insert dramatic music here*, everyone was quiet. All this in recognition of one well known blogger (just check his hits). It was none other than @georgiendirangu with fashion sense written. Or rather, rightly placed all over him, how now would he go unnoticed?  The ladies had to struggle to control themselves because thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat fellllllllllllaaaaa (I did that coz he likes to ‘blog’ like thatJ ) is good to look at; DAMN, si mumeona mbisha? 2Die4! (See what I did there? :) Now I do not know how it happened but his wifey was there. Uumm, In MY blogger dream; amevalishwa a shirt written ‘Porgies!” Si you know how he can be? But she brought color to the dream :)

http://georgiendirangu.blogspot.com/

Mooooooooooooovvvvvvvviiiiinng oooooooon.

My dream would definitely been incomplete without the INSANE madness of one @m_dblogger. Yaani, I cannot overstate this. Everyone was as excited as this dreamee (I did that coz he likes to make words up :)  No sooner had he arrived than he began to spread his madness with killer jokes -the dirty type- coz that is just how he rolls. Check him out ucheke, kwanza that latest post!:)

http://joejoachim.wordpress.com/

Awesome music, the party was jumpin’ jumpin’ and everyBlogger was having the time of their virtual lives. Of course all of us were on our toes because word had it that @MediaMK had shown up, lurking about fishing for his………..………or her next victim, you know how he……….……or she can be J; you never know the day nor the hour…………….. J

http://frankierants.com/

It was all too much and I had to take some time to just sit my quiet fine self *cough cough* looking, okay; STARING at these guys with admiration, okay; ENVY.  These bloggers, with their thousands of blog views, and me, with my two blog views, in the same damn room…*sign*

Kidogo tu, I hear “Njeriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii” CRAP! Time to ‘fake’ wake up! :( My awesome dream had come to a sad drastic end. Had I the whole day to sleep, I know it would have featured the many other very awesome bloggers (@atibelle ’s @akelove ‘s @EdGicovi ‘s ; their blogs are so lovely, I swear :)

http://philly29.wordpress.com/

http://theshynarcissist.blogspot.com/

http://ednagicovi.wordpress.com/


buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I had to mboch. (Refer to post “Mboch Chronicles”)

Short notes:

‘Awesome’ is my favorite word.

 @crazynairobian and @Wamathai‘s were crazy enough to feature me in their awesome blogs.

  I am a twirra addict that is why I have referred to these blogger using their twirra handles.

  Check out their blogs J

  I am not a stalker J

Cyanide & Happiness #2393 - Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness #2393 - Explosm.net: "
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net"

The Weave Finally Fights Back

Ahem! *clears imaginary throat* now I know many of you thought Saturday May 21^st would be the end of me but guess again! Clearly, I am here to stay and I am very much aware this will not sit well with some of you but hey, if you get to live some more, why the hell shouldn’t I? 

I know many of you, the list mostly consisting of men, do not like me, but I guess I got more game than yáll because the ladies LOVE ME. *dances for a few minutes* and it’s so funny that I am here to give your women more confidence so that you can get a chance to get some. But so much for gratitude! I tell you the human race are a bunch of ungrateful species. I was only created to help ladies feel a tit bit more confident but they get marginalized by these men, especially Kenyan, for creating a home for me. Where the hell do you expect me to live if you keep giving the ladies who spot me such a hard time? And can I just get an explanation why you have no love for me but my cousin, ‘braids’ is well accepted and sometimes championed for? *wipes imaginary tears* my friend Wig and I are very worried about this and have held countless meetings on the same but we are yet to figure it out. But why all this hate?  It saddens me that the women who have so generously offered us a home are attacked as opposed to being regarded with honor for sheltering the homeless. I know you do not care about my feelings but go easy on these charitable women.

I know I know, we are created to live on a head for around a month or two and some women take this too far but what can we do if they feel we are too awesome and they do not want to let go? I mean hasn’t that happened to at least some of you?  Someone remains attached to you even though it is clearly time to let go? Sometimes not all homes are clean but you know there are others who are homeless and therefore we can live with excessive scratching and lack of bathing a few times; I guess some of us are luckier than others. And just because some times we are fitted on some heads that do not exactly ‘go’ with our style, does not mean we are not grateful to at least have somewhere to stay as we tour the cities around the country. Sometimes we even get reinstated to the same homes and we still accept it, a little more time to stay alive is no crime.

I therefore appeal to you to understand that women are only guilty of having a big heart such that they offer us accommodation even though some of us are clearly uglier than others. I ask you men to just understand that all she is trying to do is house me and in turn I try to help in boosting her self esteem just so you can look at her a bit more. Sometimes she needs me to offer warmth to her head and not get harassed for it. *imaginary smile*

Many a blog have been written about me and my homes (read women) and I thought it only right that I respond back. Let us see if anyone cares.

P.S: Incidentally the writer does not wear weaves; I guess she is just not as accommodating as I thought.

The Fart Poem (tihihihihihihi..enjoy:-)

*Disclaimer* This is not an original piece of my work, niliiba:)

Farting with style takes practice,
Perfection takes time; it's a gift,
You've first got to learn all the basics,
Like pushing one out in a lift.

Those silent but violent are classics,
With friends it's a really good game,
Fart in a crowd at a party,
Then watch to see who gets the blame.

Now once your technique has been mastered,
You'll know what your bottom can do,
But ALWAYS remember - don't push too hard,
Because one day you might follow through !!!!

Secrets

silence sucks me of my very essence,

shivers shriek senselessly within,

secrets known only to me,.

cruelly gang up to mercilessly haunt me

im happy,yet saddened,

depressed yet elated,

distressed while excited,

yet of this mixed emotions too,I cannot tell

where are you so I can feed you of this all ?
but if I find you, still I can tell you not,
where are the actions that can be used to convey of this all?
yet if I knew, I still would not do

this deadly demons definitely distress me,

no ambitious angel can afford even to rescue me,

die with these dispeakable secrets then I will

for not a single soul can save me; from me

Keep your Enemies Close

As I silently took in the sight of a sober man scrutinize a fellow homeless but drunken man struggling to hold his footing one cold evening, it made me think how women are said to be their own worst enemies, and as this is relatively true, I believe it is for the best. Hold on before you turn the page, and ‘hear’ me out.  You may not have the fondest of memories of fellow women disregarding you in whatever way, but just think of the consequential effects it has had.

It probably taught you to love and appreciate yourself more, despite the female colleague who kept eyeing you from head to toe because the clothes you wore did not flatter your body. Remember how this got to you so much that you invested in a new wardrobe that has gotten you looking dazzling at the office and suddenly those who never noticed you before can barely take their eyes of you; and just because some woman looked down upon your fashion sense. Thanks to her, you are now more confident.

What of the mother-in-law who showed no faith in your cooking and cleaning, basically in the whole management of your own home. Just to get her off your back, or rather just to piss her off, you enrolled in culinary school to sharpen your cooking skills and you invested in a home interior designer to create a home like no other. So as much as you went on about how as a woman she should respect how you manage your household; you came out victorious and not only did you shut her up, but you are now better at most things.

Your high school nemesis; how you despised that little monster. She was better at everything; she had better clothes and she had more friends. You caught up with her later in life by some uncalled-for fate and she had a better job, a better car and a better home. But you took it upon yourself not to be the laughing stock this time and you set your mind to get a better job, invested in the stock exchange and now you boast of a better car, a better job, and soon, a better home. Do you see how you have come out victorious yet again, thanks to some woman?

How can we talk about female enemies, and not discuss your man’s ex. Even the mention of her name makes your heart pulsate, as you call her unprintable names in the safety of your mind. She tried to outdo you and remind your better half of the fun times they shared and those unforgettable vacations they enjoyed. And sure enough you had to top this, lest your man blindly ran back to her. To avoid scenes of her singing to you dancehall artist Cecile’s song, “You should have seen me with your boyfriend...,” you sort to please your man in every possible way and he remained satisfied in what is now a blissful relationship all your friends are shamelessly envious of. All this because some woman was trying to win him back.

She may not be termed staunchly as an enemy, but something to that effect. I am referring to the born-again Christian woman who lives a few blocks from you. Every time you came home from a stark-raving night with the girls, she gave you daggers that had you cursing her out. But the more she compelled you to at least visit her church one Sunday, when you had time, you discovered that knowing God is not so bad, in fact it is the best thing that has happened to you, as one quote goes;” A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first, to find her.”

So you see; a woman enemy is not all that bad after all.

Dear future husband

Dear future husband,

Hello there, I am absolutely certain this letter will find you in time and you will spare a few minutes to read it through. I truly hope you are well and working extremely hard to build your future so that in that very  future -when we are married- I can live the life that I have always dreamed of; an extravagant one.

My future husband, I am sure you are well aware that we are living in a society that accuses young women of being lazy, when it comes to housework and such like matters and brands them as not being able to treat their husbands like our mothers and grandmothers used to. But I am also certain that you know that it because this same society has demanded that we women work just as diligently in the corporate world as our male counterparts and therefore we do not have enough time to wash clothes, clean dishes and scrub kitchen floors. Do not mistake this to mean that I do not know how to perform such chores; I can assure you that my mother has given me enough housework to do that can last me a life time. Our children will therefore learn to do as many chores as their mother has, and still is doing presently. When it comes to cooking, however, I will try to prepare a meal for you every once in a while because frankly, I am immensely talented in that area.

At this point in my life, I am doing the best I can to work diligently to ensure that I will be making a fortune as well, by the time we are getting married. If you steal some time from your busy schedule to look at the Saturday magazine in the Saturday Nation of 29^th January 2011, you will encounter an article titled, ‘What men want’ stating what men are demanding from women these days; which includes a working woman who is interesting and does not nag. With regard to it, I can confidently say that I meet these terms and will be an excellent wife to you. That is why I am writing this letter. You may wish to call it a warning letter but I write it out of my future love for you. I have done so to you to let you know ahead of time, that we will be hiring help to assist with household chores in the beautiful home that we will be living in. I need you to know that at that time, washing your elegant clothes and your expensive dishes will not be my duty, but I promise to supervise whoever we will have hired to do so. To this effect, dear future husband, I will expect minimum interaction between you and the hired help, and all messages you may want to pass to her, will have to go through me. I am sure you understand that because I will have married an understanding, loving, smart and faithful man. I am in no doubt you will respect that I have informed you way ahead of time and therefore arguments regarding this matter will be absent in our very blissful marriage. 

 Worry not, you will still be the head of the home, but like president Kibaki must consult with Raila, so shall you confer with your wife when making family decisions.

Because of the kind of person that you are and will always be, I hope that this issue will not affect your payments with regard to the dowry, which may be hefty, and you will meet the demands stipulated by my family, before we tie the knot.

I sincerely hope you will keep this letter as a point of reference, because I have a copy of my own and so do my three lovely sisters; whom you will be expected to love and respect as they will probably affect many of the decisions I make. I know you understand because that is just the kind of person that I will marry.

Yours lovingly,

Ivy Muigai,

Your future-very beautiful and smart- wife.